My number one motivation for learning to drive: men jacking off on NJ transit while watching me brush my hair.

I had my last Italian ice of the summer last night and am ready to welcome the fall and winter now. It was root beer flavored, and way too sweet. Also I bought several of those oversized blow pops and then was disgusted with myself later when I realized they would never fit in my mouth. I think I will use them to taunt people with TMJ. (Here is my favorite TMJ-related urban legend: apparently, Jenny Craig has TMJ. One day, she was napping in her favorite chair, and she was awoken abruptly by a noise on tv. She awoke so suddenly that her head snapped back, and she injured her jaw muscles so much that her mouth was stuck open FOREVER!!!!!!!! so i am paranoid about napping on couches now.)

I have to think up a Halloween costume soon. Last year, this was a disaster, and I didnt actually have a costume... :( I've been considering going as "The Postman of the Apocolypse", by dressing as a postal worker and covering myself in powder (which i will say is anthrax). I was told not to do this last year because the subject matter was too tender. Anyway, feel free to steal this idea, because it is funny and I will probably need a costume that is cheaper than that. Postal workers got costly designer threads!!!

I haven't been able to hatch any cool schemes lately. Hatch schemes? Is that the right phrase? I'm been having this weird malapropism problem lately, where I will say a phrase and know I have mixed it up immediately after it comes out of my mouth. I think my memory is very jumbled, beyond hope. I saw a tv special about E usage, and some girl had her brain scanned, and the scan was full of black holes. I believe that is an accurate picture of my own mind as well, only the black holes are real black holes, and matter keeps getting sucked into them. Which is why I am all bloody and gravitational!

Remind me to find the biography of Georges Bataille, so I can read about him and his rotting, syphalitic father. Yum.

I feel so fancy-free!