Dear readers,


This weekend I saw Resident Evil at a theater in Sheepshead Bay. (The name of this area in Brooklyn makes me think of a river of sheep parts. Bloody guts!! I often wonder what would be so awful in Hell that could torture someone for eternity, because it's like, if you subscribe to the Christian ethos, you only have a soul--you don't have a body or a mind anymore when you die, so how can you be tortured? well I think that would be torture enough for me. Rivers of bloody sheep guts swarming around. Either that or Gilbert Godfrie.) Anyway the movie was alright, but it would have been better had the person next to me NOT STUNK LIKE ASS SOMETHING FIERCE FOR THE ENTIRE MOVIE. While I thought the smell would abate eventually, IT ONLY GREW WORSE. i tried to imagine lemons and roses so that maybe my mind would imagine more pleasant smells, but it did not much help. THE POWER OF THAT ASS WAS TREMENDOUS. it was the only time i have ever hoped for the quick onset of a cold! The butt belonged to a large hispanic man named Milo. I told him to wear cologne next time, and he was fairly agreeable. He purchased a tub of poply corn for me in apology.


In other news, bars were ruined this weekend by the appearance of St Patrick's revellers in dumb hats. When I lived in Chicago, I lived right in the area with possibly the dumbest bars in the city, and several of them were Irish-themed, and therefore the entire month of March pretty much sucked when I went out at night. The roads and sidewalks were packed full of drunken frat boys from the suburbs. I swear, people shouldn't exist if they are not like me or like people that I like. You are dumb, and I hate you. Whilst in Chicago, I was never able to attend the bar possessing of my favorite theme: THe Manhole. It was bedecked in black and purple, signifying LEATHERMEN!!!!! I LOVE BEARS WITH ALL OF MY HEART!!! I AM A LARGE GAY MAN AT HEEART!!! I LOVE TO EAT CHICKENZ@!!!

I finally finished Michael Ondaatje's autobiography. I can't remember the name of it. He grew up on Sri Lanka, and the book was all about his eccentric parents and grandparents. It was magical, and made me want to travel there. Perhaps the natives would accept me in spite of the fact that I would sweat an ocean a minute. Like a squozen sponge. I would like to live there or Mallorca.

Sometimes Misha pretends that he is an entity known as "The Wicked Monk" and he hisses at me to scare me. And he bites me. SERIOULSY. this is my favorite character since the one invented by Padraig, known only as "Rosie O'Troll". This character was based on Rosie O'Donnell, but was in fact a male troll. Sometimes he would conduct interviews with celebrities such as Tom Cruise or Erykah Badu, and then start to suck their blood out. The Wicked Monk does not suck blood, he hisses and bites and collects tithes. AND DRINKS HIS MONKY BEER!!!!

I bought a small doll that is Gizmo the Gremlin. It is dressed in a little gold suit with a little gold hat and is DARLING and frightening at the same time. He looks like Gizmo pretending to be the little possessed boy in Pet Cemetary!! Gosh I love him truly!!!! I hope he doesnt come alive at night and kill me or eat all the food in the kitchen.

Also, I ate at Friend House.

Also, I went to a place called "the Beauty Bar" where the bartender didn't know that Scotch sours existed. PS: what are more delicous drinks that i can order at a bar (and won't embarass me by being terribly sorrority girlish)? i am always uninspired. and don't be makin up no drinks with like Clammato or anything in them!! GROSS.

And now a public service announcement:

If you go crazy, please don't kill anybody!

The worst friend you'll ever have