This weekend I was subject to panic attacks and jolts of depression that normally i would make fun of, but I feel too guilty and embarassed about it.
I spent Saturday night sleeping at Misha's house while he went to DJ a small party in Queens. I missed a friendly cat and was unable to prevent Misha from drinking so much that he spent 2 hours barfing in the bathroom. (oops) The worst part was that i acted like a total cunt before he left and then was all sad and weepy and scared that he would not love me. All because i suddenly did not want to be in a large group of people! i hate me. I think it is social anxiety but I feel too shy to go to a therapist and unleash my inner turmoil!!!!
Also sometimes I just have no idea how to approach things, and get further and further driven back into my own mind. I think it started on Friday night, on the cab back to Bensonhurst, and I closed my eyes and the world was spinning drunkenly, and I suddenly felt like I was standing still and attempting to drag my heels and stop the world. It was one of those substance-induced visions that seem all too real at the moment. I also had this realization--"WOW! what if these drunken epiphanies ARE the truth! and they don't seem real when i'm not drunk, because the undrunken world is all hazy and attempts to hide the truth!!" it was funny. i had to laugh at myself, even at that moment.
On Sunday I went to a birthday party for a 1 year old and a 3 year old. Everyone there just assumed that I spoke Russian, at first at least. There were lots of tender vittles that my white-bread, ethnic-identiless self had never really even seen before, such as tongue and gelatin-encased meats. There was a trashy lady with a really low smoker's voice sitting at our table who I enjoyed, at one point she told Misha's father that the Bugs Bunny centerpiece at our table had a "hard-on".
After that, we went to a comic book store! I made friends with an especially lovable and dorky clerk there, we talked about the new Spiderman movie and how good it seemed to him, and I didn't have the heart to tell him that I didn't know what the hell Symbiot Spiderman or Venom Spiderman were, much less what were the differences between them!!!! "Sir, I only read comic books officially sanctioned as cool." I finished The Watchmen this weekend, I have to say that Dr. Manhattan is especially cute. Especially his little blue muscular buttox!!!!
In other news, nothing changes, but nothing stays the same.
I want to learn to play the banjo!!!