WARNING: The following entry is so devastatingly big that polar bears in the arctic circle have been found to be carrying trace amounts of it. Keep away from children.
My will to live is currently being zapped. Jen keeps freakin me out by talking about Jesus and the sword that is going to come out of his mouth, a la Revelations. I want to go to Patmos and visit St. John the Divine's cave. To nap and eat fungus that will no doubt give me psychadelic visions. I will dream of a world of peace, with no pain, and plenty of Ho-Hos and Funnybones, all you can eat and fat-free but they don't taste fat-free, they taste like the real thing!!!!!
Much has happened in the past two weeks that I wanted to write about, so I am going to attempt a chronological recounting of events. It will be a re-enactment much like Unsolved Mysteries, but there is no Robert Stack and no mystery. IN FACT, THE ONLY MYSTERY BE WHY WUZ I BORN SO FOINE!!!!!!!! But it will take a master sleuth to decipher THOSE clues!!! PS: The clues are my face and my butt.
At any rate, a couple weekends ago, Jennifer and I set out on a quest to discover where the attractive people in central NJ like to hang out. Actually, it was a quest for facial pastel colors until we entered the Pearl Paints on Route 1(?) in NJ and suddenly encountered the most choicest group of man meat this side of the Hudson. ARTSY STUDS!!! EYE CANDY!!!!! EACH BLINK OF THE EYE WAS A GNASH OF THE TEETH!!!! CHEW! CHEW! CHEW! CHEW-CHEW-CHEW!!!!! I was fairly impressed until I encountered their surly demeanor. I became lost in some sheaves of Canson in the paper section, crying for help, but the slovenly fellow manning the department just rolled his slovenly eyes at me! It was an outrage! Where was Jenjavitis? She was absorbed in the dollhouse section, so ghetto she made the lady from the trims department come all the way there to open the huge glass case, just for one measly little $2 miniature fish bowl. After spending at least an hour there, I managed to scramble out of the paper and we bought our stuffs. It was a successful journey.
My aunt is no longer with us....in NJ, that is! She is back in Switzerland. You know, that was a really tasteless joke and I totally apologize for offending even my own sensibilities. Tasteless jokes that do not offend my sensibilities, however, include telling people to curl up inside her massive abdominal wound, that my uncle had to clean every night. That is pretty funny, to tell someone to sleep in it. I imagine a mongrel child all curled up and shivering, pulling a flap of skin over him like a blanket... hheheeh. ANyway, I love them and miss them, even though I couldn't watch Real World while they were here, and now am hopelessly hopelessly behind. UGH!
My dear little sister Emily has fibromyalgia. I have no interesting jokes about this. I miss her and want to harass her with love. Her dog still lives with us, but now loves me! Vivian's heart is constantly depressed. I pet her belly, and she is, for at least a moment, content.
I have discovered fully the power of Pirate's Booty the Snack. Also powerful: Veggie Booty, Pirate's Booty the Snack's vegetable cousin. THat shit is green and tastes like horse fodder. I can't stop eating it. My mother is disgusted. Vivian and I sit on the stoop and share it like best friends.
So now on to the meat of the diary entry: so it is decided last Monday or so that I am going to go up to NYC on Friday night to meet Misha, a sweet be-wing-ed angel from the streets of Brooklyn. Problem? The last train back to NJ leaves at like 1:30 AM. If we are to spend any time that night being starry-eyed romantical fools, we are going to have to stay up all night until the first train for me on Saturday morning, at 6:30 AM. ALL NIGHT PARTY-TIME IS PLANNED!
So then I proceed to spend the whole week suffering from the tremendous heat and staying up really really late every night. I am progressively becoming tireder and tireder. AND THEN FINALLY IT IS THURSDAY, and what becomes of me? Well I'll fuckin tell you.
KATE M. GETS INTO A FREAKIN CAR WRECK. WITH A DUDE WHO LOOKS LIKE ROB THOMAS OF FREAKIN MATCHBOX 22 FAME. Since I have no license (...SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE), it was actually not me involved in the wreck, per se, but I was most definitely a passenger. Do not fret, my little chickadees. It was one of those chain-reaction type deals, where we were rear-ended and in return rear-ended some old dudes. At low speeds! And like a freakin bad movie, as the afternoon wore on after the accident, I realized I had a classic case of whiplash. My neck hurt to high heaven, and I was all panicky because I know nothing about the severity of neck injuries. I thought I had done permanent damage. (side note: I disavowed myself of that notion eventually, but am now concerned that my initial reaction was right, at least a little. WHAT DO I DO? HSIF?) Anyway, I was about ready to rip that frilly shirt right off Rob Thomas and cry with frustration, not at the hurt but at what seemed to be the destruction of a fun and fulfilling night!! How ever would I be well enough to impress my newfound friend the next night??
WELL friends I am happy to report that the pain had gone away by Friday morning! I am getting tired and this entry seems no where near done at this point, so I am going to speed up a bit here. I catch the train lookin' all hot and then arrive and Misha and I are gay and we eat, or rather I eat, and then eventually he does but I will stop right there. The basic gyst of the night is that I am so tired I eventually can't function, and we have to wander from place to place, looking for a spot to lay down or sit down. I feel like the most pathetic of creatures. At one point, we saw The Others, just so I could nap, except I kept waking up when loud people in the audience were all "OH NO SHE DIDN'T!" "MMPH!" etc. And I would laugh!! Misha would be all "What?" And all i could muster to reply was "PEEPS R FUNEEEEEE" as I droned off to sleep. THe upshot is now I know the end of the movie, but am sort of clueless as to the details of the beginning and middle. Misha introduced me to Homies, which are cool. However, read that website and you will want to die.
ARgh, dammit. This entry is no longer funny. I am going to end really quickly right here. I am going to be in Boston over Labor Day weekend and in Puerto Rico in December. Everything is exciting to me.