I was inspired earlier today to write an entry, but of course I didn't strike while the writin' was good, so now I have to attempt to piece together a harmony joyride for you. Hey, speaking of, is Wesley Willis dead yet?
I spent 3 hours alone with the dog while my parents attended a picnic. If you have not read previous entries, the little wiener dog is not only on prozac for its neuroticness, but it thinks it is dominant over me, which creates interesting tensions between us. I fed it Pirate's Booty and it pretended to love me. It only loves me and wags its tail for me when no one else is around. It considers me as backup! But I know what is going on in its little dog mind, it is plotting my doom. Because when other people are around, it barks and growls at me, and hides its food and toys as if I may steal them. Here is an artistic representation of the dog's dreams:
I didn't want to leave the dog alone cause there were a lot of fireworks going off around us, and the booms were really loud, and it gets scared easily. So I watched the Macy's fireworks with it on my lap, under a blankey, while it was dreaming of my doom. Then my parents came home, and brought the cake that I had been waiting several hours for, and I had a humungous piece. Come to think of it, I think that was the first food I had eaten all day, besides a can of grape soda. My eating habits are terrific. I AM ON A DIET!!!! This feels like a teenage girl's diary.
MY DIET DIARYY
MONDAY: DEAR DIARY, TODAY I ATE FOUR PIECES OF BACON AND A PACK OF SALTINES. IT WAS YUMMY. I PUKED UP THE CRACKERS.
TUESDAY: DEAR DIARY, TODAY I ATE A HAMBURGER AT MCDONALD'S BUT I FELT REAL GILTY AFTERWARDS SO I PUKED IT UP. I HAD A SALAD FOR DINNER WITH NO DRESSING AND THEN A CAN OF DIET COKE. PS: I PUKED THAT UP TOO.
WEDNESDAY: DEAR DIARY, I ATE CANDY BARS AND LASAGNA TODAY. I FEEL BLOATED. I DRANK 20 GLASSES OF WATER AND THEN CRIED. THEN I ATE SOME CHOCAOLATE COFFEE BEANS. I AM GAINING A GUT.
THURSDAY: DEAR DIARY, I ATE SPINACH DIP AT TGIF'S AND THEN A GLASS OF DIET COKE. I PERFORMED SELF LIPOSUCTION WITH THE VACCUM CLEANER AT HOME, BUT I THINK I SUCKED UP MY KIDNIES. I WONDER, DOES BRIAN THINK I AM CUTE?
I used to offend my Chicago roommate because I made a lot of bulemia jokes. She would protest "I USED TO BE BULEMIC!! THAT IS NOT FUNNY!" And it would be like, honey, we all were. Thinking back on high school, one of the few memories that sticks out clearly in my mind is walking into the girl's bathroom in the mornings and after lunch, and being knocked over by the smell of vomit from the sinks. It was such a common occurance that it felt ordinary. Bulemia is a sad fact of life. It offends probably every woman! And some men too. So, I think I was not targeting her. As always I am not sure about my point with this, but I am really sleepy and can't think completely straight. I just wrote a whole lot of dumb shit about food, and really the only thing that is good about this entry is the devil dog!
In other news, I am considering making absinthe. Wormwood is not illegal, and I am not sure about absinthe itself in NJ. I was skimming The Banquet Years the other day, and then saw Moulin Rouge, and they inspired me.