this diary is too serious!!! i need to develop a light heart again. my heart is currently heavy with lead and concrete

The dead bird at work, near where we sunned ourselves, was run over by a lawn mower on Wednesday, so Thursday it looked exploded and smelled really bad. An explosion of feathers, like the heat had popped it. But actually, it was just the work of a lazy janitorial man.

Mali once told me about running over baby bunnies with a lawn mower. She was laughing about it, which was so very un-Mali-like. Maybe she was nervous. Mali was a vegan, and very friendly.

On Friday I saw a rock n roll show, a rock n roll show put on by old people. But by golly, old people can rock! It was the Guided By Voices show at Irving Plaza, where there was an interesting mix of young and old fans. After the 2 and a half hour GBV set, my left ear was killed until sometime this afternoon. It is still not completely right, but it is bad normally anyway. What a burden, one that I will have to live with 4-eva. Anyway, I drank a can of Guiness there due to my sister's good point that it was the same price as the other canned beers, but twice the size. I forgot the time i stole Guiness from work and vowed never to touch it again. I felt ill all night. We hung out with my sister's friend who looked like a tall Philipino version of Daniel, which was slightly scary for me, since he was giving me drunken eyes all night. The "eye". you know what I mean!! We went to a vegetarian diner afterwards, argued about what the black guy's name was in Star Wars (I still forget...I was very helpful tho, because I remembered he wore a cape and was smoov), and ate facon. THen a roach crawled onto the table, and we left.

OH I almost forgot!!! I saw two kids from Grinnell. One I liked, liked a lot actually. His girlfriend worked at Jimbos that one summer I spent in Iowa, she was very nice and told stories about how he would come over to the restaurant while she was working and make her play Boggle with him. That is endearingly cute, I think. What is not cute is that he lived in the apartment I lived in before I lived in it, and his bedroom was Erika's--and she found condom wrapper pieces EVERYWHERE, in every nook and cranny. That boy liked to get it on. But anyway, I liked him. The other person, however, is a horrible bitch. So I did not say hello to them. Is this rude of me? Us Grinnell kids should stick together, I think, especially in a big city like NYC! But, I hate bitches.

Next day we spent a long time at the big Sephora in midtown. I have a perfume fetish now, even tho i hardly ever wear it!! i like to smell it. is good. I got an eyebrow kit in Iman's makeup line, because she is David Bowie's wife and that is ok by me. we also did some other stuff...umm...and had sushi and raspberry flavored beer for dinner. HOORAY!!! And then today we went to the Hoboken music and crafty festival and I bought a lot of cheap art at a stand entitled, appropriately enough, "Cheap Art". It was good, and is good.


You see, I went into college, got myself through all my fears and anxiety by thinking, well, worst case scenario, I have no friends, am sad a lot, and end school with no direction. WELL GUESS WHAT. worst case scenario happened. WEll I guess I did have friends, but I kind---maybe it was my fault--kind of let them go. Or they let me go.I still don't know--I have trouble making up my mind. I hate to think badly of people, but I often felt abandoned. I guess I am needy, and in denial of it. What I really want is friends to sit around and drink 40's with, and joke and talk about intelligent things and LIFE. I need to read more. I need to be around people who read and think more. Man, I so need to get my writing skills better. This diary is really not that creative yet, no? Perhaps you are reading it because you saw my hot picture!!! Well, that picture is proof that pictures can make ANYONE look good. FLashes I like because they bleach out my skin. I have bad skin. THere, I admited it. BAD, BAD SKIN!!!! Buy me some Clinique skin products please. I am too intimidated by makeup counter ladies to get it myself. Pooooor me.

That was a lovely bit of stream of consciousness, self-pitying garbage. I promise to be more funny in the future. I think i did actually have some funny stories to tell, but then I got tired and felt all serious!! I am actually in a really good mood now despite what this diary reads like, mostly because going up to the city makes me see that some people really do live, live in a way that I can see as worthwhile. I have these fits a lot where i wonder if life is really worth it? I mean, even if you have the best life possible, is it really enough? i feel limited by my mental state and senses and brain power. I want to know if there are more colors than just the basic rainbow. That is a good explanation of it--there is more to the universe, but we are so limited by our senses that we can't even begin to perceive it. but wait that's part of it, but not really all of it. I dunno. i am sick of gender and reality. i have decided to get a boobal ligation (removal of excess boob!!) as soon as possible. I think in many ways, too many to explain right now, it will make me feel a lot better.

Work tomorrow!!! a gyno appointment will save me from work on thursday. hooray for vaginas!!