dreams and wishes

I am all wore out from pumping iron. I am attempting to firm up my guns!!! CHECK EM!!! FEEL MY GUNS!!! If I had any hope of becoming an uncle, I would practice that phrase a lot. To say to unsuspecting nieces and nephews so they can marvel at my huge (or miniscule!!) muscles!! I would also practice the quarter from the ear trick, which I am not too good at.

The impossibility of becoming an uncle leads into my next story. I spent the whole weekend with an impending sense of doom. While I was eating dinner with my family on Saturday, waiting to go to my JW party, my mother says quite casually, "oh, the gynocologist called yesterday. she said the bloodwork came back pretty much normal, but there was something she wanted to go over with you." now there are only three things a gyno needs to "go over with you" concerning bloodwork: either you're pregnant, got an STD, or are really a man. This is what went through my head. Needless to say, my mind was a bit occupied throughout the party, and it was not something I could really talk about with my fellow party-goers!! So I call today, all nervous about what the doctor will tell me, and it turns out to be nothing! She is reassuring me that my choice of medication was the right way to go. What a nice doctor lady. Kind of. I don't know why she couldn't have just told my mother!!! The funny part was, she was all "Well, at least we know you don't have a tumor excreting male hormones!" and then laughed!! Her sense of humor is as sick as mine. TUMORS=GOOD HUMOR!!! I bet she has to see a lot of gross things during the day. I will refrain from sharing my own gross doctor stories. Hooray for you!

I was fortunate enough to dine upon sushi for lunch today. It is really not all that expensive, depending on what you get, and I have pretty pedestrian sushi tastes. As long as I gotz dat sweet sweet wasabi and soy sauce I am as happy as a bearded clam. I could drink it up!! I have decided to start making pastries and stuff in the shape of savory food, like I had always wanted to. Sushi-shaped petit-fors and pork chop-shaped cakes. I would ask for a pork chop shaped birthday cake this year but I am afraid I will have no one around to celebrate with me!!! My only two real friends here are becoming JWs, so now they don't celebrate birfdays. They celebrate "sister days" instead, which is sweet because they are sisters and they tell me I am a sister too, and it makes my heart swell with love. Sometimes I really love women. But not like girly-girl women, and not real butchy jock women. At least not in groups of them, I think individual people are almost always better than groups. I tend to befriend the gross-funny type of girl. I myself am the sexy plus-size lingerie model type of lady. I kid!!! All I want to model is Philly Cream CHeese, like a little business suit made out of it. I think that would be fun and snacky! I could even have a Jackie O. type pillbox hat, something really smart looking like that. All in cheese!! It will be the next Gap commercial: EVERYONE IN CREAM CHEESE. What a tasty place this world would be!

Anthony turned my head into a huge sea-faring penis monster. Awww, how cuddly-sweet!!

I have no ambition anymore. I had this great idea today to make a DIY mail-order company for temporary tattoos. Here's the deal: I would make stencils that people could place on appendages such as a leg or chest, and then rub a black (or color of choice!!) permanent marker over the stencil to give a tattoo!!! Now you may be saying "THAT IS ALREADY APPEARING IN MY LOCAL STORE, IT IS CALLED HENNA TATTOOS, MISS KATE", BUT these would be stencils of faces!! I originally conceived it while thinking of that guy who has the faces of Motorhead tattooed all over him, thinking "I would like to do that, but maybe only for a week!" And then I realized, I could probably make a pretty nice looking stencil of a modern-esque version of Lemmy's face (he is the diaryland mascot on my page, FYI). THen I thought "I COULD TOTALLY DO OTHER FACES!!!" Like Carrot Top or Delta Burke! Whatever faces you want!! ISn't that a really good idea?? AWW FUCK!!! Forget you read all that. Uhh....PATENT PENDING, SUCKAHS!!!! HAHAHAHAH YEAH!!!!!!!!!! Anyway, I wanted to try to make some tonight, but I got all sucked in by the Internet again, and by like "The Weakest Link" (i have horrible taste in tv, but not bad enough to watch 7th Heaven). Then I was hongry and had to eat food! And now it is not time for play anymore, it is time for sleeping.

So goodnight everyone, I wish you could all be here to tuck me in!!! THen of course you'd have to sleep in the basement, cause there is really no room anywhere else for you big ol' bodies.