Yesterday, I saw the most beautiful 12 year old girl I had ever seen in person in my life. Like, staringly beautiful where you can't help but notice kind of beautiful, and instead of being in awe, all i could think is "poor girl". because it is a bad world we live in.
last night i argued over aim for at least an hour with a punk kid in san diego, sort of against my will. i was trying to make him see how him wearing donation clothes and eating at soup kitchens didn't make him any less American or a particpant in America. He also believed that there was a vast american conspiracy against everything, and didn't believe there was a famine in Ethiopia in the 80s. These are tidbits that make him look dumb. It was a useless conversation, i really hate talking politics, cause i see the world differently than most people..especially teenage boys. He had this view that everything was so black and white--America bad; anti-America, good. that evil is evil, and good is good. and i can't help but see the world in a billion shades of grey--i don't even think i believe in right or wrong. that is what comes form being raised by atheists, maybe. i spend my days trying to understand human nature, putting myself in other people's places to try and see why they made the decisions they did and why they believe the things they do, but this boy just saw evil as pure evil, with evil motives and nothing else. i hate the punk scene--stagnant thought. from what i've seen. punk's been going on for over 20 years--what's new about that? i hate stirring up trouble for the sake of stirring up trouble. or maybe i don't. yes or no. i hate bilateralism. THERE ARE MORE THAN TWO CHOICES, always. anyway, don't speak with me until you read literature and talk to people and at least try to understand human nature.
this is not a fun funny fun diary entry today. i can't help but be sad and lonely in everything. and being obviously lonely just pushes everyone away even more...isn't that a neat paradox? when you want people around the most, they are scared away. i am too tired to act happy and not lonely. so i will be isolated like this forever. goddamn my anti-social parents, why did they ever choose to have kids??
blah. i have nothing to say to the world, anyway. i feel holed up. rejected. old.