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i want to be serious for a moment and talk about stuff. right around the end of the summer last year, there were changes in my life (non-menopausal, FYI) that were like post-collegiate coming of age type of changes, where you reconcile yourself to the fact that life is no longer a 24-7 type partay where you can skip class and sleep all day if you want to. right around this time was 9/11 and I don't want to go all cheesy on you, but I think that was the first moment where it became obvious to me that i really wasn't invulnerable or separated from suffering just because i lived in the USA and was middle class. anyway, i feel very cynical and pessimistic, and it's not helped by the fact that my father, whose opinion on world events and politics i generally trust, keeps reiterating the fact (in a variety of ways) that "we're all doomed". i've also lost all motivation and despite the fact that i talked to a recent architecture graduate this weekend who gave me a small degree of hope that i could do something creative and useful as career without having to go through years and years of school to relearn the whole mathematical end of things, i doubt i will actually do anything about this. and other things i like, like artsy craftsy type things, seem interesting and bound to win hipster friends(?), but hardly useful. and not only do i feel like a lump of plump that is wasting space and foodstuffs on the earth, but i keep having weird philosohpical cynicism about other people. MAYBE YOU ALL DON'T EXIST AND I JUST IMAGINED YOU IN MY MIND??? at any rate, i feel hardly lovable, and the only person i can stand to see my face is my own dear misha, who is the sweetest man in the world. otherwise i feel unlikeable and boring. I need to be more mysterious. dear diary, i also took a dump in my sister's toilet the other day and clogged it. and i feel gross and ashamed. it took her all day to clean it and i ruined the day. :( signed, GROSSFACE on the 4th we went to a rooftop partay that mike DJed and i was shy and stood by him a lot. (i did this at one other party before and the host asked me jokingly if i was 'misha's bodyguard' and then i felt like a tool. but it was a weird frat-type party and i was dressed a little too overboard.) anyway i drank and ate 'dogs (NOT REAL DOGS, HOT DOGS!! HA HA!!!). it was an INTARNET PARTY THING sort of but i never really talked to any of the people online so i didnt know what to say. the host's roommate wore a skirt that looked almost exactly like mine, which was red and white striped. she was russian and i said hello. i think i said hello a lot, i don't remember. i spent a while watching a man below us try to light a charcoal grill. he was at it for an hour, pouring lighter fluid on everything and then he dumped out the coals eventaully and started again. then he fell in the fire and lit on fire and ran around and was on fire and stuff....no. everyone was nicer than i thought. and larger, but that is just because i imagine everyone on the internet as small 4 foot elves. THIS IS REALLY THE TRUTH!!! it is some weird brain thing. also more attractive. which is nice, it's nice to know the internet is not entirely full of bewarted people with patchy facial hair. PS: I AM NOT PREJUDICED AGAINST WARTS, OR SKINTAGS!!! i can't ever tell a story. i don't remember the last entry that i wrote? or what happened in between now and then? except my ebay addiction, which is sad and wasteful. I LUV TO BUY YOUR USED CLOTHES. ESP IF THEY SMELL. on saturday i went to a sci-fi sleepover that was MST3000 and it reminded me of dear little horn nosed erika. we did not watch "Trumpy", her favorite that also became my favorite, but it was not heart-breaking. i have not heard from erika in forever. i hope she is not partly or fully dead? she is very lovable. anyway we fell asleep on couches and i kept being afraid that my panties were showing (i kept pulling down my skirt in my sleep just in case). SPEAKING OF misha keeps doing this thing where he affects a southern accent and talks about "my big blue panties" at which point i giggle or tell him to stop. GOSH I AM BRAINLESS AND CUTE!!!! anyway he did it cause i wore huge blue panties one day, but i mean, who doesn't ever? ANYWAY we awoke in the morning and i felt greasy. then i went and clogged emily's toilet. god, i am so ashamed, but i keep bringing it up. ANYWAY THANKS TO THE LOVELY LADIES WHO HOSTED EACH OF THESE PARTIES, IF YOU ARE READING THIS!!! YOU ARE VERY GENEROUS! whatever happened to that "I KISS U !!!!!" guy? i got furniture from ikea that is olive green. i have no room really to put it together, though. it's cute.
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