Not that I love the tropics so much. I do not like to sweat. Plus I think sooner or later I would have bled to death from the eyes from looking at all that bad Puerto Rican fashion. I would cry every day if I was forced to wear such ugly clothes. But that was actually one of the good parts of my vacation!! PEOPLE WATCHING. instead of going to lame san juan clubs, we sat at the hotel lobby/bar, and watched the parade of bad clothes. HOOTCH! my mother asked me if men were hitting on me (she also once asked me if Pakistani students hit on me at college, cause when she was a girl, the Iranian mens LOVED the blondes), but the truth is, I was too fully clothed to get any attention. even when i went running around in a piece of ribbon and a thong! we saw some crazy things, including hootch twinz and old ladies in too much animal print. i stayed at a luxury resort with lots of americans, and we were probably the poorest there. however i ate lots of tostones and beans and rice and food and rum and snacks and treats and stuff.

Also we went on two tours with our tourguide friend William. I loved William instantly when, on the tour bus, he passed around pictures of various parts of the island, and there were all these shots of him half-naked, perched on mountaintops or diving into crystal pools of water, etc. And then thrown in randomly, was this shot of this little black dog, all "RAWR RAWR RAWR" you know, barky and cute, and on the back it said "MY NAME IS JUNIOR!" and then there was a picture of him with a parrot on his shoulder, and it said on the back "THIS IS CUCA, MY PARIOTT". i find some misspellings utterly charming. i also liked when he spelled "south" as "souf" on the backs of pictures.

Besides racist comments from midwesterners, the best part was this one young couple from new york, reggie and maurisha. they sat directly behind William on the bus and Maurisha didn't shut up. "WILLIAM HEY WILLIAM, HOW YOU SAY MY NAME IN SPANISH?" "what's your name?" "MAURISHA" "umm. some names don't translate." Then she was all up in his business, "ME AND REGGIE AIN'T MARRIED BUT WE GOT A BABY. YOU GOT ANY BABIES WILLIAM? HOW YOU SAY YOUR NAME IN SPANISH WILLIAM?" then reggie tried to push her down the hill in the rainforest, and she squealed. i was covered in mud. i brought an umbrella, cause after all, it IS a rainforest.

on the way home, angie's carry-on was completely full so i offered to carry her bag of on-flight snacks because i don't like to carry much on planes and i had room. little did i know that the thing was like 2 billion pieces of candy. when i went tthrough the security checkpoint, two security guards laughed at me and were all "YOU SURE GOT LOTS OF SNACKS" because i also had a few snacks of my own (cheap airlines and their no serving of meals!!! i shake my fist at you!!!!! JERKIES!!!!!). I BLUSHED A LOT !!!!!!!! then i went and attacked the Duty Free shop, and sprayed about 10 perfumes on myself so i smelt very strongly of femininity. and then i was all "GOSSH I DON'T KNOW WHAT PERFUMES I LIKE CAUSE THEY ALL BE MIXED TOGETHA!!!!" PS: My favorite perfume is Le Feu D'Issey Light. It is beautiful.

SHHHH: I got my sister light-up Puerto Rican flag deely-boppers. I couldn't find Misha any merchandise where they had a Puerto Rican flag, and replaced the star with a Star of David. DAMNIT!!!! I have a newfound fascination with tamarind juice.

I like Pinback. My cat looks like a big puffy chinchilla.

I have a bunch of intangibles floating around in my head (OR IN AN ACTUAL LOCATION???) that i will someday translate into the Great American Novel. These include: identity, change, race, the drifting malaisiousness of life, inconsistency and confusion, and matters of a sexual sort. Does this summary interest and titillate you? GOOD. BUY IT, WHEN IT COMES OUT.

Work is for jerks!!!!