Aren't I awesome?

This entry is already dumb. COOL.

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Here is a story about circus peanuts from a couple weeks ago:

I find the following story extremely exciting. Yesterday I went to Target to buy traveling supplies with G.G. and Jenjavitis. A fun thing to do is to pronounce Target as "tar-jay", which makes it seem French and uppercrusty. Then you do not feel like a low rung on the social ladder when you enter that palace of discount. Anyway, while I was there I came across a bag of circus peanuts. "I LUV DESE THINGS" I pronounced, fondling the bag with all of its bright orange smoosh and cush appeal. Jenjy stared at me with concern. "Those are disgusting" she told me, berating my number 4 food of choice. (Number 1 is pork chop shaped cakes, number 2 is Dots the Candy, and number 3 is Pirate's Booty the Snack.) Anyway, I do love circus peanuts so much because they bring back ancient memories of mine from 2 or 3 years ago. Katie, my adorable midget of a roommate in Chicago, and I bonded over our love of circus peanuts. For a while, our diet consisted solely of rabbit-shaped circus peanuts (for Easter!) and Diet Dr. Pepper. Diet soda fizzes up really well when you drink it with something sugary, and circus peanuts are pretty much pure sugar, so I would get a mouth full of foam everytime I consumed them together and it never ceased to delight me. Bein' rabid!!!! I would bite Katie and she would bleed and love it. Our bond of love promptly broke the following spring, when I spent a week mooching off of her and her horrible stereotypical lesbian friends. They would only watch lesbian themed movies while I was there, like High Art (which was OK) and the If These Walls Could Talk II and some movie with Chocolate in the title (Better than Chocolate?) which was really bad, but they insisted on watching it over and over, and to the point that I felt really bad for the lesbian community for having such poor films having to represent them everywhere!!!! At the least, we could have watched Bound or something, I like Jennifer Tilly a lot. Anyway, I think they thought they were doing a good deed and teaching me about their culture, which is pretty condescending and does not say much for them. I guess being gay and going to a Lutheran school forces you to only be defined by your sexuality. OK I am really off track. So I bought these circus peanuts, and began eating them in the car. I did not stop eating them when I arrived at home. Once home, I went upstairs to read a magazine and eat circus peanuts. I did this for a while. Suddenly, something was wrong in the depths of my tubby tum. "CATHHHERRRINNNNNEEEEEE" groaned my disturbed stomach. "WHAT HAVE YOU DOOOONEEE TOO MMEEEEEEE????" it wailed. I felt so ill I was forced to make myself vomit. Overdosed on circus peanuts!!! The puke was really really cool, it was all orange and foamy. It was exciting entertainment for a slow Sunday.

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Here is an entry about The Goonies from the same day:

Later last night, I watched the new Goonies DVD with Jen. So much better than her old VHS copy. Plus it has that two-part Cyndi Lauper video for "(The Goonies are) Good ENough"!!! It';s possibly the best Cyndi Lauper video ever, with so many old school 1985 wrestlers that I was in heaven. Andre the Giant even made an appearance!!! I was full of amazement. (What was with those rubberbands always on Big Lou Albano's face? They confuse me.) Two things in the video that my sharp eyes noticed: (1) Cyndi wears the same plaid pants in the video that Chunk wore in the movie. And by same, I mean the EXACT SAME PAIR. they are all short on her. CUTE! (2) THE BANGLES ARE PIRATES. My sharp eyes spotted them. I felt smart.

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I went to Boston last weekend:

Among the highlights of my trip:

1. Seeing the most disproportionate ass on a human being ever. Keep in mind that I am a person who usually admires large butts. I do not know why people despise ghetto booty! I often lament my own flat, puckered ass. But there are disproportionate asses, and then there are DISPROPORTIONATE ASSES. This particular woman was tiny in all other parts of her body, short and skinny, yet her ass curved out like two full-size pillows stuck into her jeans. I really do not know how this woman found clothes that would fit! Plus, she was white, so the ass was pretty much unexpected. 15 minutes later, when we got off the trolley, I turned to Jen and asked her "Did you see that butt?" And she knew immediately what I was talking about. Because that butt was so memorable.

2. Jen developed hiccups while we were feeding ducks at Boston Commons. Jen often gets hiccups. Really, REALLY loud hiccups. Whenever she would squawk, the Canada Geese would look up and honk back at her. Like those mating call things they used to have on cartoons! It was a live-action cartoon, for my benefit. I could not stop giggling. Also, it was fun to see the ducks and geese tear each other apart for a bit of bread. Actually we were feeding them bits of a sun-dried tomato tortilla. A little taste of the gourmet for our quackily friends!! But they were gourmands, not gourmets! Then I pushed Jen into the lake and she was torn apart immediately by rabid ducks and rats. And runned over by a swan boat. Then she raised from the dead and I walked back to the hotel beside her re-animated bloody corpse.

3. Our hotel room had an honor bar!!! it was in a little fridge. I often liked to just open the door and look in at it. It, quite frankly, impressed me. Also I think it has something to do with, whenever I am bored at home, I keep wandering to the refridgerator and I just open it, look inside, and close it again. As if something interesting will suddenly appear, like a birdy or a horse. I was just giving myself a little taste of home!

4. Frightening and/or being mean to British tourists. While having dinner at Boston's own Hardrock Cafe, two British tourist lads (in their late twenties?) direct from London were seated next to us. They immediately began oggling the half naked 13 year old girls at the birthday party table across from us. By the time Jen and I had finished dinner (and also a couple of drinks, I should note), we overheard the lads ask our waitress "where is a good place to meet some ladies?" So I leaned across and grabbed the shoulder of one of them and shouted "RIGHT BLOODY HERE, YOU LIMEY BASTARDS!" They were probably repulsed by my flab and/or insolence and projected a look of horror. At any rate, I couldn't tell because I was busy amusing myself and the room wasnt in focus. At any rate, everyone laughed and then jen and i left. Maybe I should be embarassed by this.

5. The strangest pairing of people I ever did see, in the seat in front of me on the train. Picture it: a young professional skateboarder from Cape Town, South Africa, dressed in hippy garb, sitting beside an old black southern Granny. Southern Granny (S.G.) and Studly Afrikaaner (S.A.) chatted about this and that for quite a while, with S.A. talking about following the Grateful Dead and S.G. exclaiming politely "Lawd!" or "Oh that is so

interesting!" in her southern way. This was very cute and dear to me. I just belched, by accident.

6. Getting into a fight at Cheers. While waiting in the godawfully long line at that famed restaurant, a portly blonde-haired man cut in front of us in line right before we were going to put our names in. i jabbed him in the back with my finger. "EXCUSE ME SIR, YOU CUT IN FRONT OF US!!" He looked at me meekly and shrugged. "umm, i was confused! i need to get a beeper thing" (you know what those are, i will not explain). "THAT IS WHAT WE ARE WAITING FOR TOO!!!" I told him while in a rage. He shrugged again. "I'm sorry". I said to him "AREN'T YOU GOING TO TELL THEM YOU CUT IN FRONT OF US?" I was rageful. I had tunnel vision. I was gettin' uppity. Finally the hostess intervened and said "it's ok, don't worry about it, we'll work it out." and that is how the matter was resolved. I promise i committed no shootings or stabbings!!! Except of course, the repeated stabbing of my fork into my delicious meal later that evening!!!

7. THe scared looking freshmen being oriented at Emerson College, which was right by my hotel. I wanted to hug them and tell them not to be scared, college is fun for about 80% of those attending it, so their chances for avoiding misery are actually pretty good.

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More recently and before Boston, I have been hangin' with Mike. Mike intimidates me because he dresses better than me. He has taken me places a boy has never taken me before, like Williamsburg. He made me touch a realistic fake vagina. We took a romantical late-night stroll through Coney Island, which reminded me of 1980's pre-Guiliani New York City. Then we went on the beach, which was big, and hard to walk on. some old crazy people on a blanket watched us get it on. While knocking my sneakers free of sand on the boardwalk, an elderly man popped out from below and yelled "HEY HEY STOP". LIke the troll who lives under the bridge. Only, I couldn't spot any warts on him from far away. we went shopping the next day. i like having fun.