I have fallen into a small pit of depression after the weekend's fun, now that there is no 4 day vacation from work or trip to A.C. to look forward to. The weekend made me wistful for youth again. NJ and this job is a drain on my heart. Argh, not that youth was ever fun and carefree, I know I remember that much, but I can't quite remember any specifities of awfulness. THe glossing over of memories. The sick pit-of-the-stomach feeling is sort of gone from most things, so all the who's and what's are there, but nothing to really link them to anything solid that affected me. Even tho the affects are all still there. It;s all a blurry mass of memory. But anyway. Jen has started talking about how she sort of can see the actual possibility of having kids now, it's realer to her than it was before, like she's becoming an age where she can handle it. And that just set me on edge. Pretty soon the things that I can get away with now will no longer be cute, they will be SAD. My fear of true responsibility will suddenly catch up with me. I will be stuck in crappy jobs, or I will have to become an ADULT. Argh. Words fail. Where is my mind? What I have written is all trite. I also have this thing that I know fits in here somehow--that John Cougar Mellancamp* quote "hold on to 16 as long as you can", where it's like, at 16 I would have given anything to give it up immediately. ugh. high school was a nightmare. I don't remember ever really doing much in it, except tryin' to SURVIVE. Anyway, I really don't have time to make this into a good piece of writing. But what my point is, is that I really would like to start youth over. I don't even care if "I could know then what I know now", I just want to go back to youth without being (a) fat or (b) acne-fied. I WANT TO BE A HIGH SCHOOL WINNER!!!

Anyway, I used to take comfort in believing in reincarnation. Youth relived. I had this theory that I thought up where there was really only one consciousness at a time, and it lived the lives of every person. Like, the consciousness worked in a timeline and everybody had it, it just could only be conscious and record the life events of one person at a time. I liked that, because then it meant that I could understand everyone and know why they acted the way they did. Because if there was one consciousness, then I would be that consciousness. You follow? And I really am depressed at the thought that I could die and never really understand the universe, and this theory sort of let me understand everything. But then I started thinking about how bad that theory was, because I really don't want to live the lives of everyone. I am terribly frightened of physical pain. I would have to live the lives of starving people and tortured and repressed people over and over again. So in conclusion, reincarnation is not all that comforting a thought, because of the possibilities of what your life could be. I enjoy being an upper-middle class WASP in America. Sad to admit that, but it's true. THere ain't no life with greater possibilities, baby, so maybe it's better not to take a chance and just be dead, all dead.

Do you enjoy watching me struggle to express these thoughts? I should really learn to write things down when I think of them, and not let them stew around in my head. I have begun forgetting things really easily in the last few years. OLD ANCIENT ME. So i will have worded everything perfectly in my head, bu then when I try to put the wording down I forget bits of it and all is lost.

hahaha. I fuckin suck. I am pure slut material. I narcissitically believe I am not trite, but this reads like every other damn online journal.

Today I ate fajitas at Jen's house. We went to Home Depot, where I had strange hallucinations of the nail displays stabbing me in the eyes. Daniel used to come over in the middle of the night after doing 'shrooms and complain about how all the ugly colors were stabbing him in the eyes. He was only comforted by J. Otto Seibold's lovable tale, Mr. Lunch. It would suck, to be stabbed in the eyes.

My lunchroom friend Tom in high school had this thing where he was all "What if you got in a fight, and you were punched in the head, and your eye felll out. And you were lying on the ground, with your eye next to you, and it was still dangling by the tendons from your eye socket. So you could see everything that was happening. And then someone came up and STOMPED on your eye. You would see the boot coming down onto your eye and everything!!!! That would be really cool."

Tom was pretty fucked up.