OK WAIT. This diary entry interupted to report the DUMBEST THING EVER. The MTv thing where that group of boys wants to "become" Blink182. OH LORDY. I was drawn to the tv against my will. The worst were the godawful fake tattoos, and the constant "I was Blink182" or "this is the best day of my lifes" from the lameass boys. UGH. It made me want to kill myself, yet live. I wanted to simultaneously live and die. It was so bad it was good.

Some other things that make me want to simultaneously live and die, but out of goodness:

-pop rocks. and other poply things. also other sugary candy that makes my teeth covered in white plaque and then I have to go scrape it off later.

-girls who try to look like joan jett. old joan jett, with the black layered hair. FUCKIN BADASS!! I look way too normal.

-Cuddlecore!!!!!!!!

-San-X, and Pom Pom Purin

-the moment that I realize an attracive and/or cool person who I have been intimidated by is really just a dork, and maybe masking it pretty well. Humans are all dorks. I am slowly realizing this.

-coats and purses. My favorite clothing and fashion accessories.

-dogs, and people who look like dogs. Not like dog as in "fugly" but dog as in waggly pet. Like the people who look like schnauzers or wieners. WIENERS!!!

-dogs on wheels

-jotto

-getting into a car after its been sitting out in the sun all day. The first few minutes when its just hot baking heat, and you don't sweat or anything, you just bake.

-that second when you realize making out is going to turn into something a bit more. That deep sigh that always escapes.

-velcro on sneakers

-tattoos on men. it has come to my attention that i may be becoming a stereotype.

-words that mean more than words. when a writer is aware of the eloquence of silence. when a person can read the silences of a conversation. Being silent. Thinking words.

-drawing heads and faces. I am too shy to do this usually. In like public places. I have also forgotten all of my drawing skills. My hand muscles have atrophied.

-staying up late for talking. staying up late for sex. staying up late for alcohol or drug use purposes. staying up late for the sole purpose of trying to figure out the affects of not sleeping.

-small furry mammals

-seeing colors

-getting a weird head rush from reading complimentary emails from unexpected sources. maybe not so much compliments in person. I am awkward.

-butts

-destruction

-vh1

-fun

things that make me want to just die. Only die:

-crushes. Crushes crush me. when exactly does the laughter end and the heartache begin? It is a ripe enough topic for a movie on Lifetime.

-eekika's oreo "hag smile". ugh. very few things disgust me, and this is one. keep your mouth shut if you eat dark crumbly things. YOU HO!!!

-broken dogs

-parting with my stuff. especially my stuffed animals. I feel a strange sense of loyalty to everything. plus stuffed animals have faces.

-the thought of having kids. I refuse to have kids on the chance that they will be ugly, and therefore I will be unable to love them.

-chemical burns

-the inevitability of life as a circle. eternal cycle. also a break in the eternal cycle? like what happens when they finally gentrify all the old buildings? no one is going to want to go back and fix up all the houses from the 50s. this really bothers me ffor some reason. That was just a horrible period of time stylistically.

-bugs on my toothbrush

-turning 23

-not having a sugar daddy

-being dumb

-ingesting cyanide